Why Doesn’t Gentle Parenting Use Consequences?

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One of the more controversial parts about gentle parenting is that it doesn't use consequences as discipline, at least not in the mainstream way.

Many parenting styles differentiate between consequences and punishments. The use of these tools in discipline comes from a loving place, though they often are not interpreted that way by children. One of my favorite quotes from Alfie Kohn is "Educators remind us that what counts in a classroom is not what the teacher teaches; it's what the learner learns. What matters is the message our kids receive, not the one we think we're sending."

Punishments are defined as consequences that are unrelated to the action and used to make the person feel bad such as no tv for a day for hitting their sibling. Consequences are seen as a result directly related to the action such as apologizing for hitting their sibling and/or no longer being able to play. It's important to distinguish that all punishments are consequences but not all consequences are punishments.

Then they separate consequences between natural and logical/imposed. Natural consequences are what happens without the intentional intervention of an authority figure; like a sibling crying after being hit and an adult tending to them. Logical/imposed consequences are when an authority intentionally intervenes to make the person take steps to repair. Steps the authority deems appropriate.

We want our children to be mindful of the effects their actions have on others, right? We also want them to consider the consequences before making decisions. So why exactly does gentle parenting exclude consequences as a discipline tool?

Short Answer

There are many different kinds of consequences. A person does not need to suffer through consequences or be forced to perform accountability to learn from their actions. In fact, people learn better when they feel safe, heard, and connected not with they are shamed, fearful, and focused on self-preservation. In Gentle Parenting, our goal is to help a child feel safe and connected because this allows us the space to teach, guide, and collaborate. These are consequences. Though because of the way we use the word consequence socially, I prefer to call it a connection-based response.

Long Answer

Mainstream parenting often focuses on/ emphasizes consequences in discipline. Our society also uses consequences as a deterrent from undesired behavior. This comes from an older field of psychology called behaviorism. I briefly talked about this in my time out vs time in blog post.

Behaviorism is

 a school of psychology that takes the objective evidence of behavior (such as measured responses to stimuli) as the only concern of its research and the only basis of its theory without reference to conscious experience (as defined by Merriam-webster)

or

The theory that human and animal behavior can be explained in terms of conditioning, without appeal to thoughts or feelings, and that psychological disorders are best treated by altering behavior patterns. (as defined by Oxford)

As stated above behaviorism does not take into account thoughts, feelings, or any part of the conscious experience. It just looks at the behavior and uses positive and negative reinforcements to change behavior. We know behavior is influenced by both internal and external factors. Any techniques that fail to address these factors exclude a huge part of our reality and fails to address the root of the problem.  

Meeting needs

As Adults, we tend to oversimplify the reasons behind a child's behavior. Often we will say things like they're doing it because they want to or because they thought they wouldn't get caught or because they're testing limits. People are more complex than "I did it cause I could." Often we don't have the language to express deeper needs because we were never taught how.

The question we could ask is what need are they trying to meet? In gentle parenting, we believe that all behavior is communication. The behavior is telling us something more than just they wanted to or they thought they could get away with it. There's typically a need behind that behavior. By simplifying the reason for a child's actions it shuts them down and does not allow them to feel heard which causes disconnection within the relationship and does not allow them to hear us. Our Relationship/Connection with our children is what allows us to teach and guide them.

If the need behind the behavior is not addressed then the behavior will continue to happen, the need will manifest it through different behaviors, or the child will begin to internalize the need. It is important to address the need to stop the behavior. If we want our kids to learn different ways to get their needs met we must first address the need and then work with them on skill-building to find better ways to address the said need.

Skill Building happens outside of the difficult situation. The more we practice skills outside of difficult situations the more likely they are to use them in difficult situations.

Empathy

One main reason main many parents focus on consequences is to teach empathy. We want our kids to understand the way their actions affect others. They may enforce consequences to make them aware of the effects and teach them how to make amends. Unfortunately, this tends to shift the focus. Instead of the child being concerned about how another person feels they are now focused on what's going to happen to them. Instead of thinking I shouldn't do ___ because it could hurt someone, They think I shouldn't do ____ because of what could happen to me. This puts a person in a state of self-preservation. When we don't feel safe it can be impossible to empathize with someone else's experience.

Relationship

Being a parent/caregiver is more than just being an authority figure it is also a relationship. It should be a relationship first. When we are connected, trusting, and feel safe with our parents/caregivers we can learn from them. This is because instead of being in survival mode we are calm and able to rationalize and learn. We learn best from those we have a close relationship with because we trust them. We feel safe to try and make mistakes. We feel safe to express our feelings. We felt safe to let our walls down.

A focus on consequences creates a disconnect in the relationship. It tells the child what's more important is the outward behavior instead of the inward need the behavior is trying to meet. They learn that certain needs won't be met by adults. They'll have to find ways to meet those needs in ways that don't rupture the relationship even more. This usually leads to sneaking around. If you don't get caught you don't create a disconnect in the relationship and your needs get met.

Skill Building

The main purpose of a focus on consequences is to teach the appropriate way to get needs met. But is that what it does? We also don't want kids to get used to these harmful ways of getting their needs met. That is the purpose of skill-building.

Children do well when they can. They don't want to hurt loved ones (even if it seems like they get a rise out of it). I say and believe this because we are social creatures. We need relationships to thrive. Especially when we are young. Though at a young age we often don't have the skills and development to get our needs met in connecting ways.

As stated before children learn best when THEY FEEL safe. Not when we think they are safe but when they feel safe. Also not just physically safe but also emotionally safe. We do this by connecting with them.

Once we are connected and they feel safe we can then work on skill-building. Skill-building takes practice and repetition. It doesn't happen overnight. I will cover this some more in a future post but until then "The Explosive Child" by Ross Greene. Is a great book on skill building with kids.

GP View

Here's where this gets a bit complicated. I used to be of the mindset that gentle parenting didn't use any consequences other than natural consequences. In a way that has changed. We use consequences in a completely different way from the mainstream.

The definition of a consequence is a result or effect of an action or condition. Everything that happens after an action is a consequence. Instead of coming into a situation to teach a lesson of right and wrong a gentle parent comes in mindfully and compassionately to meet needs. Once needs are met we can then problem solve and collaborate to teach skills.

Once an action/ behavior happens recognizing that there is an unmet need is a direct consequence. Meeting that need is a direct consequence. Collaboration is a direct consequence. Skill building is a direct consequence.

Consequences do go deeper than the shallowness of praise and imposed/logical consequences. The way behaviorist and mainstream parenting use and think of consequences is so limited. It's why in gentle parenting we don't use the term. I personally prefer the term Connection based response.

Connection-based responses are a way of responding to behaviors that puts the relationship first. All of the tools that gentle parenting are connection/relationship-based. Sportscasting, Play, time-in, connection, non-violent communication, modeling, co-regulation, mindfulness, etc. Many of these you will find throughout my blog for others I recommend checking out the Facebook group Gentle Parents Unite.

I recommend starting with connection and learning how to connect in the way your kids need. Learning what your relationship(s) with your kid(s) looks and feels like. Each relationship is different and has different needs.

What connection-based responses have you used in your family? How have they helped? What challenges have you come across?