What is Connection Anyway?

You hear about connection a lot with this kind of parenting.

"You're kid needs more connection. Have you been connecting with your kid? Connect before correct."

When I starting getting into this parenting style I had several questions about connection.

"What is connection? What does it look like? How do I connect with my kid? how do I know if they're getting enough?"

It also seemed challenging because everyone needs connection in different ways, so how do I figure out what my kid needs specifically?

Connection and the Brain

Connection is synonymous with attention. As a social Species connection is important to our mental and physical well-being and development. Therefore Attention is not a want (like a toy), it is an absolute need(Like food). Attention-seeking behaviors are designed to get our attention even if they are annoying or alarming. That is their purpose. To alert us that our children need something.

Think about this. When your child is born the only way for them to alert you that they need your attention is by crying. The brain stem and spinal cord are the most developed parts of the brain at birth. These parts control involuntary functions like heart rate and breathing. As a result At this early stage babies are very reactionary.

As newborns baby mostly just react to discomfort by crying and comfort by not. As they get older they can connect with us more through crying, laughter, and physical gestures. Talking comes way later. Nonverbal communication and crying are like a child's first language. It is the way babies and toddlers know to best get their needs met. To an extent, this never completely goes away because nonverbal communication is a huge part of how we communicate.

As they get older and continue to develop cognitively and physically they develop new skills. New ways of letting us know their needs. These new skills take years to develop because again they are still developing. The easiest way for a child to get a parent's attention while they are developing new skills is to experiment.

Children are little scientists. They are always curiously testing to find the best ways to get their needs met. This is typically where mainstream parenting turns to positive and negative reinforcements. Ignore the bad behaviors, praise the good ones, time-outs, etc. It doesn't allow space for the fact that they are still developing and learning.

Gentle parenting seeks to meet kids where they are at, not where we think our kids should be. If a child is seeking attention, even if we don't like the behavior, it is important we meet that need and at some point help them with skill-building later.

For now, we will focus on ways to meet a child's need for attention/ connection.

Ways to connect

SMABO

Small moments affect big ones. This one-liner comes from my mentor Vivek from Meaningful Ideas. We can sprinkle in bits of connection throughout the day. Every interaction doesn't have to be a big one. The small things are just as important. Random I love yous, hugs, kisses, and smiles. Watching them while they play and smiling or blowing a kiss when they notice.

10-15 minutes of undivided child-led play

One of the most important things you can do with your kids is 10-15 minutes of child-led play. We often think of play as unimportant and a waste of time. Play for kids is how they work, learn, explore and understand the word. Giving children this opportunity can show us the skills and social concepts they are working through and it shows that you are interested in them.

Helping hands

Kids often want to help with things. Allowing them to help often means things won't get done right, fast, and may even be a huge hassle for us. We are often focused on getting things done so we can move on to the next thing. Allowing children to help when they ask is connecting and skill-building. In order to do this, we have to let go of control and perfection.

Often our kids will ask for help doing something we've seen them do a million times or it's something we think they need to learn to do on their own. Asking for help is often a way that kids ask for connection. Taking care of them is how they bonded with us when they were infants. Kids need reassurance that we still care for them in the same way.

Slow down be present

Kids are wondrous beings. The way that they view the world with curiosity is amazing. They are so present in the here and now. We are often far away in the past, future, or thinking about the long list of things we need to do. We need to be able to look at who our kids are now and meet them in the here and now. Let go of who we want them to be in the future and embrace who they are right now.

Playfulness

Playfulness is great for lightening the mood. Often we get into small power struggles with our children. Maybe your child says/does something wrong. Often we feel the need to correct them at that moment. It's not necessary. Sometimes the wrongness is intentional and sometimes it's not. Either way, we can meet it with silliness. Playfulness is also great for making those daily mundane tasks enjoyable.

Listen

Everyone needs to feel heard. Not only is it connecting but it also opens us up to be able to hear others. Listen without correction and judgment. Relay back what you've heard to let them know you actually hear them.

Answering the questions posed at the beginning of this post

What is connection?

Connection is leaning into the relationship. Strengthening the bond between each other

What does it look like? / How do I connect with my kid? / How do I figure out what my kid needs specifically?

It depends on the people in the relationship. Connection can look like almost everything. Every interaction is a chance to connect. For some people watching a movie or a walk together is connecting. Even a healthy debate is connecting for others.

If your child is old enough you can ask them how they would like to spend time with you. Otherwise, kids often make bids for connection. We often miss them because they aren't just outright saying, "Hey I need connection."

How do I know if they're getting enough?

In all honesty, it can be impossible to know. And we can still do our best to meet those needs. We can often look at a kid's behavior and our interactions with them to recognize bids for connection. Misbehavior is often a bid for connection. If we can move through our feelings around the behavior and meet our kid's needs we can meet them in a way that is connecting.

Some kids internalize their thoughts and feelings making it harder to know what they need. Remember every interaction is a chance for connection. The why questions, sharing their stories and crafts, wondering what your doing are all chances to connect even if we aren't sure how much they need.

Think back to your interactions with your kids. What are some of the more noticeable and less obvious ways your kid asks for connection?