Time out vs Time In
Where do time outs come from?
Time outs originate from a field of psychology called behaviorism.
Behaviorism is
a school of psychology that takes the objective evidence of behavior (such as measured responses to stimuli) as the only concern of its research and the only basis of its theory without reference to conscious experience (as defined by Merriam-webster)
or
The theory that human and animal behavior can be explained in terms of conditioning, without appeal to thoughts or feelings and that psychological disorders are best treated by altering behavior patterns. (as defined by Oxford)
Gentle parenting does not follow most behaviorist techniques (like punishment, rewards, and praise). As stated above behaviorism does not take into account thoughts, feelings, or any part of the conscious experience. It just looks at the behavior and uses positive and negative reinforcements to change behavior. We know behavior is influenced by both internal and external factors. Any techniques that fail to address these factors excludes a huge part of our reality and fails to address the root of the problem.
What is a Time out?
Time out is short for time out from positive reinforcement.
This consists of removing a child from an environment where the unwanted behavior happened. Time outs are meant to be used with other positive reinforcement technics such as rewards and praise (which gentle parenting also does not use). Arthur Staat developed time outs in the late 50s as a way to discipline children without spanking.
While it is a huge step up from spanking it still leaves a lot to be desired.
What does a time out consist of?
The science says many parents use time outs wrong. Even though I disagree with using them I want to portray them accurately. Many people think that isolation is required for a time out and that is not true. You are supposed to be ignoring the behavior, not the child.
Parent-led- parent decides how long the child has to stay in time out (Staat says once the behavior stops so should the time out) and for what behavior
Time-out chair/naughty step - time out should be a place away from anything that is/may reinforce
the behavior
Boring- The location of time outs in meant to be boring and undesirable
No connection- This is not a time for children to receive any attention positive or negative from the parent
Consistent- every time a child does a certain behavior no matter the reason why they are to be put into time out
Control/obedience/compliance - the goal of time outs is to gain control over the child and their behavior
Give one warning - the child is allotted one warning and then the parent should follow through
No lecture - because the child was warned they know what they did
Reduce frequency - the idea is that the behavior should reduce in frequency so should the use of time outs.
What are alternatives to time outs?
Gentle parenting offers many alternatives to time outs. One such and similar tool being the time in which I outline below. Other tools I outlined briefly here. As time goes on I will go into depth with each of these. Until then the Facebook group Gentle Parents Unit (where I am part of the admin team) is an amazing and free resource for anyone needing help and advice now.
What does a time in consist of?
Child-led- no timer sit with the child for as long as they need
Connect- this allows children to feel safe enough to be able to work through their feelings
Calm down corner- somewhere comforting and inviting, the child should want to be there
Self/Co-regulation - the parent should self-regulate and this allows the child to co-regulate
Proactive - if possible start the time in before the need for an emotional release happens
Emotional release first - once a child starts hitting, throwing, etc. Before they can sit and do a time in they must first have an outlet for all of their big emotions
Listen- this is not a time for correction. Just sit, listen and empathize
Collaboration - during or after the time in revisit what happens and look for problem-solving strategies that can be used next time.
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I’d like to hear from you! Have you used time outs or time ins? Has either of these worked for you?
I personally don’t use either. I've expressed why gentle parenting doesn't use time outs but not why I don't use time ins. I do want to mention at one point I gave into the pressure and tried time outs. The biggest result I noticed with my oldest, who was then 2, stopped coming to me when he was upset. so I stopped.
As for time in, many people have a specific area where time ins are meant to take place. Whether it is a calm down corner or a quiet space. My oldest is currently 4, moving his body while he is in distress cause further distress. If he and everyone else is safe where we are then we will sit together there instead of moving to a separate room. If anyone is not safe then we make arrangements to that everyone is. My youngest is currently 1 and isn't bothered by this.
I want my 4-year-old to have access to any of the activities we had in our calm down corner at all times. This meant that they were played with. I didn't mind because getting familiar with them outside of upsets is important to be able to use them while upset. The issue became never being able to find them during a time in. so I gave up. As my oldest gets older we may try again with have a specific space for time in but for the time being, sitting together where ever we are for a while is what works for us.
