Working on Your Mind Set
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One of the biggest parts of gentle parenting is a shift in mindset. Where our is at mind greatly determines how we view our children, ourselves, and the course of action we choose to take(though this isn't the only factor). Many of us that choose gentle parenting were not parented this way ourselves. As a result, we often resort back to what we know. What we know is typically the way we were raised. What we do could also be behaviors that humans have developed as a way to survive in the ever-changing world.
To change this we must first evaluate our thoughts and our actions. Just like we seek to look at our children's actions curiously we must also do the same with ours. I understand wanting to skip this part and wanting to just get to the tools that are going to help our kids ”listen better”. The thing is method requires questioning dang near everything because these tools take time and are not a one size fits all. They involve tuning into yourself and your children.
Many of us have thoughts like "I don't know why I keep doing this." "This is not the kind of parent I want to be." "I'm afraid I'll do to my kids what my parents did to me." "I want to stop doing _____ but I don't know how or where to start. "
Let's start here. Below is a list of questions to ask yourself ( and anyone you co-parent with). If you don't have an answer to them right away that’s ok, just sit with it, Come back to it, or move on to the next one. Try to look deep for your answers. Question the answers. Is this answer what I truly think or is this how others expect me to answer. Even if you have an answer check back periodically maybe the answer has changed. Maybe something else resonates with you more. There are no right or wrong answers. In a separate post, I will share with you some of my answers to these questions.
Foundational questions
What do I value?
Do my actions align with my values?
Do I feel good about what I'm doing?*
What are my parenting goals?
What does it mean to me for a parenting strategy to "work"?
Does my approach to parenting resemble that of my parents?*
What do techniques do I want to take from my parents and what techniques do I want to leave behind?
Does my approach allow for me to take responsibility and apologize for my actions?*
Questions to ask yourself in/after an interaction
How does my child's current mental state and development affect their actions?
How does MY current mental state affect my actions?
What are their actions trying to communicate?
What do I want to teach at this moment and how can I best teach this?*
How do my actions help them to develop healthy coping mechanisms?
How do my actions help or hinder their ability/willingness to learn from me in the future?
Are/were they ready(to hear, to learn, to understand)?*
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In later blog posts, I will go into many of the ideas behind these questions. Until then I hope this is a helpful start.
Which question(s) resonates with you? Do you have anyway questions you would add? Would you like to share any of your answers to the questions?
*These questions come from the book No-Drama Discipline By Dr. Daniel J. Seigel and Dr. Tina Payne Bryson. I’ve marked many pages containing questions through out the book. I wanted to share a few of those here with you.
